Hey Gaming Magazine Editor, Your Random, Tacked On Review is Wonky:

Critics of videogames have always had a strong voice in this industry. In the days of yore, a reviewer was truly someone on the inside, "in the know." These people played games (thoroughly) and reviewed them.

Now, I can't turn around without smacking my sackboy into a reviewer who thinks he/ she is an "expert" simply because the reviewer played a game here or there. These reviewers often don't have insider knowledge into the gaming industry and sometimes I wonder if even that would help them with their reviews.

Further, they don't seem to have (or take) the time to play the game through (or at least make a disclaimer that they haven't.) This is most evident in EGM's latest review of LBP2 where the reviewer said the Story Levels are better skipped.... Even though half of the game is Creation which is further enhanced by gaining materials, stickers, and decorations from the erm.... story modes.... skipping them would be stupid.

Lately reviews have turned more fanboyish where bias is evident within the reviews themselves. For instance, in one published review of LittleBigPlanet2, the reviewer stated that the multiplayer levels were "tacked on." I will allow you to digest that for a moment... or wait so you can finish laughing or blinking your eyes. I kid you not, the review actually stated this and claimed that it took away from the overall score of the game.

So this led me to think... I had heard "tacked on" before... and other ridiculous terms used to describe the games we so ardently play. I came to the conclusion that not only are these reviewers out of touch, but they parrot what someone else has said because they have no original thoughts on the game.

So, dear reader, the following terms will clue you into what entails one of these "not so well thought out" reviews:

Wonky - adj. wonkiness, Often used when referring to controllers. (ie: The controls in the game are wonky.) How about, "The controls didn't work the way I wanted them to and I refuse to use the options menu to change that."

Tacked On - vb. tack on, often used when referring to levels. (ie: The (pick one) multi/ single player levels feel tacked on.) Really? Do you even know what it means to make a game? And to claim something that took longer to program than it took for you to play it and write your trite review is "tacked on" is patently absurd.

Random - n often used when the reviewer can think of nothing bad to say. (ie the Physics are random; the gameplay is random; the graphics are random) Do you know how hard it would be to program random physics INTO a game and have them work?

Button Mashing - a vague reference to multiple button presses while playing a game (ie the worst part was the button mashing). Hmm?.. Like Yakuza 3 Button mashing (and I am not talking about the fighting part) or Street Fighter button mashing? Could you be more vague?

Cliche - n. synonyms: "also ran" & "clone" used when the reviewer doesn't know the difference between two entries in the same genre (ie This 1st person shooter is another clone.) Referring to something as cliche doesn't tell us anything. We don't have free access to tons of games and get to play them at work. Tell us what you mean. (Remember Journalism 101?)

1st Person - n. this is supposed to be used as a description of perspective. In reality, a first person game would allow you experience a narrator going through a series of obstacles. The 1st person uses I. The main character should view him/ herself this way. In reality, most shooters are 2nd person, whereas the player character is often referred to with the pronoun "you." (Like a choose your own adventure book.) A truly 1st person shooter would be like Duke Nukem (where the character is already established and doesn't change... 2nd person would allow for the player to be the character.)

Not swearing - if something is "shit" then tell me it is "shit" and not [expletive deleted]. If anything this industry needs, it is for its journalists to grow a pair and use freedom in their speech. I just played a game where zombies ripped apart another character and ZOMG!!!! you used "shit!" Wow... how offensive.

Grind - verb? - This has become a cliched, tacked on term that usually signals something is wrong. Grind has become something bad and when we see this in a review, then it has a negative connotation. So. I don't mind grinding, if it is done right. Dragon Quest does it right. Monsters are harder later on, but you don't have to go out and kill millions of helpless monsters just to get one ability point.

Hype - (used in conjunction with development time and resources) often added to reviews of sequels. (ie It doesn't live up to the hype.) What hype? The hype, you, the journalist heaped upon it? What is a measurement of hype? GT5 certainly had hype but based on what? How is it objective? UC2 was hyped as well and surpassed it... so... whose hype are we talking about? Review the damn game as a stand alone even if it has a 2 or a 13 after it. The developer didn't make the two games at the same time so your review shouldn't review it as such.

Thank you, dear reader, for your time.

And if you are an editor, please, enough with your cliched reviews. They are boring and tell us nothing.. I would rather read a well thought out and thoroughly researched article about one game, than 10 poorly written tacked on reviews for which the reviewer barely got past the opening creds.

So here is a review of your tired, cliched reviews:

Your Random Review of [Insert Game Title] for the [Insert Game System.] is trite. It is a poor example of critique. Your comments are wonky and your analysis is tacked on. It would be even more cliched had I not had to grind through all of the tacked on, random hype of your prowess as a reviewer. And since you have written a review before, it certainly doesn't live up to the standards previously set by your review of [insert other game title] for [insert favorite gaming system.]
I give your review a 0.13.
The Good: It was in English, barely.
The Bad: Cliched Terminology should be avoided like the plague.
The Ugly: Putting your photoshopped picture next to your review doesn't make you less of a tool.