Split-screeners are EVIL...

Oh split-screeners, how you persist to bestow your ignorant yet vexatious attitude towards the activity we have all adopted as our domestic pass-time and personal avocation. You guys suck.

OK, so no more class or formality, but you still have to agree to some extent that split-screen players tend to bring a certain… how to say… doucheyness. Yes, I mean only the ones in black ops, the ones you probably know as “gay kids.” To convey how they prompted me to write this article, let me take you back to one of my first games of zombies. Me and one other friend were looking for a four-man team, so we decided to look for randomers, before remembering how black ops had split-screen players. We were surprised when the other two players were the same player, but we thought nothing more of it. On FIVE, they spent the entirety of the starting room rounds dolphin diving into the quick revive machine, then died by getting cornered by no less than ONE zombie, and my generous (lol) attempts to revive him proved needless as he squirmed “jokingly” around the floor while I was missing the revive button because of his movements. I was pretty sure him and his partner in real life were yucking it up on the couch as I tried to save his ass, but then on insta-kill he still couldn’t protect me while zombies crept oh so slowly towards my occupied medic, Nixon. Me and my friend thought nothing of it, just some fun, right? RIGHT???

Game after game, nothing but split-screening noobs: not allowing revives, blocking doorways, moving the elevator, leaving games when ONE of the doesn’t get revived even in the starting rounds, failing to MOVE in the game, not buying doors, silently mocking you and ditching you in the teleporter, leaving you to face the music – this wasn’t just a little fun, it was a REVOLUTION. Me and my mates can take a joke, but it is obvious that this pattern only occurs whenever split-screeners wriggle their way into our game. It isn’t just zombies – they haunt the multiplayer servers as well. What especially grinds my nuts is when they invade one in the chamber, because you know what? They don’t play: they just sit and camp with their buddy clone and pick off the rest of us, then the second player lets himself die so the account host wins. Why allow split-screeners in wager matches, they just cheat all the time like their mothers!! I’m sure that one time or another, at least ONE pair of devilish twosomes have broken into your game and messed it up. I wouldn’t mind if it was one or two sets, but EVERY single split-screening couple I have encountered has screwed me over! Now, I can understand having a friend or little brother over, and wanting a little harmless action quickly with black ops in the split-screen option, and I doubt that these types that OCCASIONALLY use it are the retards who mess up our games. It is ALWAYS the idiots who host the game, clearly can’t afford an internet connection because of the fact that they HAVE to share a screen, and therefore lag out ending the game – but OF COURSE not before they find an opportunity to engage in the act of the usual 10-year-old raging Justin Bieber queens with high-pitched mics: to annoy you.
I’m not saying this to aggravate you off: I’m saying this to help you. I caution you – if you EVER come into a game with any split-screeners, do what me and all my friends do, and LEAVE. It seriously isn’t worth the trouble, don’t give them the satisfaction ;)
So tell me: what is your “split-screener story”? DO you disagree with our stance on them, or do you want to join the cause? Comment below and stay safe :D