Memoirs of a Senior Gamer

Should you have the misfortune of reading one of my blogs or seeing a comment of mine, it's obvious I've got the nostalgia blues. Video games have been my hobby for 20 plus years, in gaming terms this makes me a senior citizen. Not one of those venerable old folks that drops aged wisdom on your impressionable mind, oh no. I'm the kooky grandfather who's been castaway to the senior center and yes my diaper needs a changing.
So while you're here cleaning up this mess allow me to berate you and tell you why it was better back in my day.

This whole retrospect started off pretty innocently to be honest. It was one of those “Call of Whatever” games that my brother likes so much. With some free time on my hands I thought I'd give it a whirl and see what all this fuss is about. Now due to my age and propensity for the printed word, I always refer to the instruction booklet before I play said game. Well this game didn’t have an instruction booklet. Instead I'm presented with a limp wristed three page pamphlet only a lawyer could write! Page one, a bunch of warnings about bright lights and choking on your own tongue. Page two, a picture of a PS3 controller in case I forgot what one looks like. Page three, warranty and legal mumbo jumbo. At what point did this become the standard for instruction booklets?

When I was a kid an instruction manual first and foremost was printed in COLOR. It told you a story, a damn good one! What to expect on your adventures and who you're likely to meet. Little tidbits like the height of your character, their blood type, hell even their favorite foods were thrown in. You got the details on the enemies you'd be a meetin’ too. Should you get lost or need to remember that killer code from Game Sages (shame on you for what you did to them IGN!) then you had the Notes section! And we used it and we liked it! Then and only then did you get to the legal mumbo jumbo. Now I see all this hootenanny about what the best game of the year is. Who comes out tip top in 2013? The Last of Us? GTA V? Old Pappy will settle it for you right here and now. GTAV wins. Why you ask? Because The Last of Us didn’t come with an instruction booklet that’s why! Rockstar was even kind enough to throw you kids a map as well. Wouldn’t want to get lost now would we?

No time for a fancy segway, preorders you're next! The first game I ever preordered as a youngin was Ocarina of Time. You know what EB games gave me for my preorder? The Gold Cartridge that’s what. You'd be content with just that wouldn’t ya? Well they weren’t even finished yet! They gave me a calendar, a Triforce t-shirt, a key chain, and half off a Nintendo Power subscription! That cost me a measly five bucks and that went towards the total purchase mind you! Nowadays you'd pay 10 more bucks for the gold cartridge alone and you'd like it! That t-shirt and key chain combo would be branded as some TriForce collector’s edition nonsense. Oh and the Nintendo Power? Not even part of the deal, thank you very much internet! You kids are so starved Nintendo could probably resell you an old Zelda game as a new one and you'd like it, you'd love it!

The preorder “bonus” they give you kids these days is stuff that should already be in the game! Pre order Street Fighter 49.7 and get a green headband for Ryu! Shove your headband Capcom! While you’re at it give me a Mega Man game dammit. Then they try and pull the con that if you don’t preorder you may not even find the game! Newsflash sparky everyone sells video games! I found a copy of Colonial Marines at the bottom of my cereal box. I gave it to the dog as a chew toy. He wouldn’t even have it!

And what’s with you kids and your fixation on putting a numbah next to a game? I come on this site for legit news, not to see starving bloggers X list of X games for 2013. We didn’t care about reviews and lists back then! We were too busy hogging up the kiosk at Funcoland to care about numbahs. You know how we based our decisions back in my day? We looked at the box art! If it was cool we bought it, and we lived with our decision! You learned to like that game, they were damn expensive after all. Nowadays you get the steamy sales where they give you a game for a nickel and a handshake. Don’t you have it hard!

What’s that you say? I’m all clean now? But I had a bone to pick with DLC if you’d just let me exp- Fine go on and leave. That’s another thing with kids these days, short attention spans! It’s why you get a two hour campaign in Call Of D- Okay okay I’m finished. Surely I can’t be the only curmudgeon out there with a glimmer in his eye for yesteryears. Fellow old timers sound off below! Show these kiddies why it was better back in our day!