After 14 long years in development it looked liked the Duke was finally going to see the light of day. It’s easily my most anticipate game so it pains me to share with you the news that Duke Nukem Forever will never make it to retail shelves. What, exactly, is going to keep it from your grubby little hands, you ask? Is it lawsuits? Was the source code stolen like Half-Life 2, back in 2003? Or worse, is George Broussard at the helm again, endlessly perfecting every minute detail?
It’s none of the above, my friends, for I have received a message from the highest authority. No, I’m not talking about Dog the Bounty Hunter. I’m talking about his big brother, God. Yes, God. For He has saith unto thy eyes via pamphlet left on windshield, “The end of the world is almost here! Holy God will bring Judgment Day on May 21, 2011.”
What the…?! DNF won’t be out for another 24 days! Oh please, merciful God, can you possibly postpone the Rapture? For I need to flash virtual money to lay witness upon polygonal women as they shake what You gave them. I need to draw tallywhackers on in-game whiteboards and play with fecal matter. I promise to be a good apocalypse victim if You push back the fire and brimstone a couple months.
So what’s so special about May 21, 2011? How dare you ask such a ridiculous question, sinner! Okay, you’re forgiven, because it’s what Jebus would do; but back on point, we are about to embark on a journey that involves the two greatest things in history: math and religion. C’mon, who doesn’t enjoy a little math with their religion? It goes together like tuna fish and cigarettes. *sigh* Like mom used to make…
In the year 4990 B.C., it rained for forty days and forty nights, flooding the entire world. Noah, seven other people, and two of every animal were saved by boarding the tiny 450 foot ark before the catastrophe hit. They were able to survive the flood because Noah was given a heads up by God, seven days in advance. Now, if two trains were traveling towards one another, one from Poughkeepsie at 56 mph and another from Tallahassee at 45 mph, where would they crash, horribly ending the lives of many innocent women and children within its twisted and tangled metal mess?
Actually, that all makes more sense than what is asked of you to believe when it comes to why the world is ending in 17 days, because for some reason they are equating seven days to seven thousand years. The same seven days God gave Noah to prepare also equals seven thousand years for us to prepare. How they came to that conclusion beats the Hell out of me, but let’s entertain this theory for a second. So, 7,000 years after 4990 B.C. would be 2012 A.D., but you have to subtract one year because there is no year zero. That leaves us with 2011 A.D.
Now, let’s check our work like we were taught in school:
4990 + 2011 – 1 = 7000
Oh my God! Dun, dun ,dunnnnnn!
It’s true! It’s all true! You don’t have to take my word for it, just look at any billboard around your city. Billboards never lie; they’re so big and tall, how could they ever steer us wrong.
Happy Judgment Day, everyone! See ya’ll in hell. Save a spot for me next to the former Pakistani President, Pervez Musharraf. He has a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.
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Microsoft announced its financial results for Q3 of fiscal year 2026, including an update on its gaming Xbox business and more.
Not looking good. Hopefully Asha Sharma is able to turn Phil’s disaster around.
To me it's still quite remarkable how they can cash-in 5.3bn in revenue in a single quarter, since their hardware is basically dead.
The stock mark is what makes Microsoft remarkable, They have convinced every institutional and retail investor to just keep piling money into them. Like many big tech giants they are just a big growing pyramid scheme. As long as people keep dropping money into ETF's that cover the market Microsoft will always be liquid. At the same time it is completely stifling innovation and competition. People need to start being more discreet in how they invest their money as it's killing the system.
Riiiiight because people will just flock back to them for one or two games per year.
15+ years of bad performance is what they call irreparable in business. It is time for them to sell off the assets and get out of entertainment.
These declines are on the back of extra revenue received from releasing games like Forza horizon 5 on PlayStation. So I’m being sarcastic here when I said they should go back to exclusives. Killing off a revenue stream from Ps5 sales will only make things worse
The charity event will be streamed live from Gamescom in August.
Thanks to the slip-up of an artist working on the title, we now have more evidence that a new Injustice game is in the works.
I started reading and was about to move on, but decided to keep reading. Glad I did, pretty funny.
wh*t the F*&K
WTF did I just read??
Very funny. Sound like a conspiracy theory.
This judgment day thing is total crap.
The Lord is graciously exposing the man's folly, so that he, and his gullible followers, may repent and build on the Bible foundation, the Rock of the Word of God.
You have now been alerted; ignore false preachers, and fix your attention on the LORD Jesus Christ, not men. And remember His Word, Mtt. 24:36
But of that day and hour knoweth no man, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.
Nice read! but you took duke's name in vain, you audacious whippersnapper